“When I feel fear, I cannot lie to myself. Instead I step into it. I go for it and live my life into possibility.”
-Rudy Reyes
I used to think that I understood love.
How could I not? After all, I’m a hopeless romantic of epic proportions. I’d wear my heart on my sleeve if they ever made sleeves big enough to attach it.
I quite often find myself lost in daydreams centered on life, love, happily ever-afters, you name it. I am frequently found guilty of romanticizing love to its fullest extent. I freely admit to loving love and reveling in it. But love, love is a funny thing because it cannot wholly be summed up with just one feeling. If you were to ask a room of 100 people what their definition of “true love” is, you’d be the recipient of 100 different answers – each presented with more conviction than the next.
Why?
Because love, beyond anything else that this world will throw in your path, is the true elemental force that defines our lives. It’s not a thing to be taken lightly or trifled with. Much like the wind, it can offer us a cool respite from the heat or it can mow a trail of destruction in its path. And learning how to harness such a power (and responsibility) can truly feel like a trial by fire. We get it wrong as often as we get right, even when we believe in our hearts that we’re making the right decision. Especially when we feel we have the best intentions.
Just as Kirkegaard said, “Love is all. It gives all and it takes all.”
So yeah, I thought I had all of the answers. Actually, that’s not entirely true, I assumed that I had all of the answers. I thought I knew what it meant to love, be in love, and most importantly – love someone completely without condition.
And I don’t mean the kind of unconditional love that comes from being a parent or owning a pet. There isn’t any sort of obligation of duty required in this type of arrangement. The unconditional type of love is something that you can walk away from at any given moment. You are free to leave…only you don’t. Nor would you ever want to.
I thought I understood this love. I thought I had experienced it, only of course I hadn’t. Because if I did, I would have been reveling in the midst of it…not typing out some blog on relationships. No offense to you guys of course; but it is what it is.
I was a headstrong youth. Fiercely independent. Ambitious. Successful. And to my detriment, was always able to get what I wanted. Not in a spoiled-brat kind of way, because I definitely wasn’t raised with that type of I-Am-The-Center-Of-The-Universe mentality (even if I’ve been guilty of operating that way in my lesser moments); but rather life just always seemed to happen the way in which I wanted things to happen. And when it didn’t, it never really bothered me.
The problem though, is that even when I got what it was I after (or thought I wanted) it was never a guarantee that it would last. Mostly because I would always figure out a way to muck it up. It’s called life, I know. It’s a learning experience. We live. We learn. We Mature. We triumph and fail. But I never lacked at opportunity for trials.
Truth be told, I never really suffered consequences for my actions. Sure my heart may have been bruised for a little while in failed moments, but I was never at a loss for someone happy to help heal it. In fact, I never had to look very far for anything. Sometimes it felt like the universe was laying things at my feet and all I had to do was choose which thing I wanted to indulge in for a moment of time – people, interests, relationships, you name it.
So why then, did I so often feel lost? I had almost every tool at my disposal, but I just felt so restless and mercurial.
Then it hit me, I have a lot of conditional love in my life.
It became a moment of passing reflection that turned into a great journey of self-discovery; but even then, it was only through my closest friends that I was finally able to connect all the dots.
The Discovery
It was once said, “Concepts, like individuals, have their histories and are just as incapable of withstanding the ravages of time as are individuals. But in and through all this they retain a kind of homesickness for the scenes of their childhood.”
When you first meet my friend Rudy, it’s hard to look past the superficial qualities. It’s a challenge for anyone. He’s just physically attractive to the point that you’re actually taken aback by it. I remember the first time I saw him in passing, I thought to myself, “Is that dude even human?” and the thought lingered on the entire time I was gettting coffee.
It’s the typical response one usually has when meeting him.
But if you’re perceptive, you quickly realize you’re doing a massive disservice by restricting him to some one-dimensional constraint. Because while he may be attractive – he so much more than that. So much more. And often in our lives, we never take the time to get past those exterior perceptions. And just because someone is attractive, doesn’t mean that you’re doing them a favor only by focusing on such.
Now I didn’t just write this entry as an excuse to rave about my attractive friend. There are plenty of other blogs in cyberspace run by lonely housewives and gay men with their fingers-crossed, who are focused on that. Rather, it wasn’t until long after when we became trusted friends that I began to learn who the real man was. Not the “marine.” Not the “movie star.” Not the “martial art guru” or the “pretty face.”
But rather, all of it and despite it.
I won’t waste your time sharing his story, because he does it better than anyone that I’ve ever met and you can read about it here. I’m also fiercely protective of our friendship, so don’t expect me to spill any revelations about him anytime soon. But it was one of the most refreshing experiences to hear this man who is the envy of everyone, talk about something so simple as yearning for love. Hearing someone openly admit to the need for love and acceptance, when every rulebook you’ve ever read would have you believe they were drowning in it, was the most poignant thing that has ever crossed my path.
Because it echoed like one of those proverbial secrets, we all know deep-down inside but are too ashamed to admit ourselves.
My point is, over the times we’ve shared: every late-night phone call or long talk we share, is about him as much as it’s been about me. The more I’ve been able to listen to him and his experience; the good, the bad, the ugly – the more I’ve been able to reflect on my own life outlook and learn from it.
It made me realize, that there are people in my life that I love unconditionally, just not many. He’s just one of those lucky few, and believe you me, he’s no breezy walk-in-the-park on a sunny-rainbow afternoon either. But no matter what, I’ve never cared about him any less in those moments where he feels “less than perfect”- in fact, it probably made me love him more. He is one of my most treasured friends.
It’s Ok To Not Be Perfect
So while I have no delusions that a unit of recon Marines with no close air support or armor running and gunning into insurgents that are holed up in towns and fighting to the death is terrifying; so too is opening yourself up for judgement and making yourself vulnerable to someone whose favorable opinion you want to hold.
As I’ve taken baby steps out into the world, following a warrior’s example of admitting my potential for greatness and my penchant for self-destruction, it’s been a revelation.
So while most people are impressed with how strong he is, how much he works out, or how deadly he can be…I’ve really only ever been awestruck by how open he is about life and how much he cares about those around him. Even when those efforts feel futile on either end, he persists. It’s an attribute I’ve actively tried to make an integral part of my own life, but he does it far better than I.
But one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from him (and there have been many) is: how else are we going to learn if we are both capable of unconditional love or worthy of it…unless we learn to put ourselves out there (flaws and all) and preach the message ourselves?
Remember, just because you love someone isn’t a guarantee they are going to love you back. Nevertheless, love them hard just the same. Love always finds a way of coming back to you.
