Guidelines for dating.

“If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can’t, you’re right.”
- Mary Kay Ash

I feel as if I start every entry with an apology for taking so long to update, but the truth of the matter is, when life is busy and smooth sailing, I’m often not compelled to talk about conflict resolution or compose a pep rally for self-improvement. I know, I know…it’s neglectful of me, but I guess that’s why there are more songs about heartache than there are about the joyous rapture of love. Because when things are good, you don’t want to stop for a second and think about anything else.

I’ll try to do better. I promise. If anything it will prevent my inbox from getting filled with emails berating me for being (arguably) a bit lazy.

So here it goes, your latest pearl of wisdom from yours truly.

Last night I was talking with an old friend of mine about the virtues (or lack thereof) in regards to modern life dating. We had been discussing the latest development of Kim Kardashian’s sham of a marriage. Why we felt the need to waste our time discussing this, I have no idea, but we were. And of course it compelled me to begin reflecting on the subject of dating & relationships in general.

I was commenting to a friend the other day about the irony of life sometimes.

You see, I feel that the happier I am with my own life situation the harder it is for me to find someone I’m interested in dating with any serious interest. It’s not that I lack options (thankfully I always have options) but I develop a more discerning palate when the rest of my life is well-sorted. The happier I am with everything else (work, social life, friendships), the more I resolve myself to wait for the man who can make me laugh like Bill Murray. is as clever as David Mitchell, as smart as Steve Jobs, as talented as Caravaggio, and as handsome as Hilmir Snær Guðnason (look, for whatever reason he does it for me). But my point is, the more things are going my way the less likely it is that I’m willing to settle for second best in any other respect.

However, when things in other parts of my world are a bit less than stellar (stress at work, arguments with friends, general malaise), the more I tend to settle for a bench warmer. Sure, I may find a small trace of the things I’m seeking from my ideal man, but more often than not I end up tolerating the less than desirable aspects of that dream man. Sure they may make me laugh like Bill Murray, but truth-be-told they’re often just merely sarcastic without the charm. They may possess small amounts of David Mitchell’s wit, but it usually ends up being less-than-articulate bitching. They may be talented (I’m always a sucker for talent) but they couple it with Caravaggio’s borderline sociopathy, so no dice. Suffice it to say that none of them ever remotely resemble Mr. Guðnason, so at least I maintain enough common sense not to taint that ideal. But my point is, whenever I am less-than-fulfilled in other parts of my life, the more likely it is that I’ll be dating someone less than I deserve.

Sure I recognize that I have impossibly high standards (that most likely will never be achieved) but I’m also a realist. So I know that I need to find some sort of middle ground. I need to reach a place where I’ve not made it an either or scenario; where I’m either inhabiting a utopia or settling for something in the fleeting hope I’ll merely one day catch a break on my taxes for joint filing.

That’s just me speaking from personal experience, but almost everyone I know does it. Not just with dating, but with anything and everything. When we’re happy, we want the best. Hell, maybe we even demand it because we feel so entitled. When we’re feeling low, well…we’re open to being convinced or we’re just settling for something so we’re not lonely.

When I write these entries I use identifiers like “I” and “me” but that’s mostly because I’m 1/2 speaking from personal experience and 1/2 speaking from the ability to relate to other people. But I was recently asked to write some some “guidelines” for dating. So here they are, in no particular order. Feel free to chime in with any additional comments.

FOR BOTH SEXES

1. If you’re currently in a relationship, focus on that relationship.
2. Don’t placate yourself by using other people to fill whatever void is there. It’s your job to fix YOUR problems. If you’re not getting the attention you want from your partner, sort it out with them. Communicate. Address the issues. Don’t try and resolve that issue through that sexy, young thing that finds you charming. Why? Well there are slew of reasons, but mostly because you’ll now be juggling the emotions of three people. Why complicate things when you don’t have to? Keep it simple.
3. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, sort it out with your partner. Accept the fact that the reason(s) you’re unhappy may be because it’s time to move on. Dig deep. Examine what it is you’re unhappy about. If it’s a fixable problem (miscommunication, insecurity) find a resolution. If you’re the problem, figure out why. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself (or someone else) is to move on.
4. If you “break up” and “get back together” more than twice, end the relationship for good and don’t look back. Look it’s not rocket science here. Relationships aren’t meant to be roller coasters. When you’re on/off/on again every other day, the relationship loses credibility. It’s become disposable and flippant, exactly the opposite of what a relationship should be. Breaking up should always be an ultimate last resort. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Don’t be a fool.
5. Never do anything away from your partner that you wouldn’t do in front of them. It’s simply about respect. I now always ask myself, “If so-and-so were here right now, would I be doing this?” And if the answer is “no” then don’t do it. This usually applies to flirting or putting yourself in compromising situations. It’s just not worth the weight on your conscious, and when (not if, because they always find out) your partner finds out, they’ll be even more upset that you kept it from them.
6. Accept that no one is perfect. People make mistakes, so be understanding. No one is going to be on their best behavior 100% of the time. Don’t misunderstand me, cardinal sins shouldn’t get a free pass by any means. But if someone engages in behavior you don’t like or appreciate, discuss it with them. Give them the opportunity to explain. Remember, no one wants to date their mom/dad, and if they DO…well then there are bigger issues at hand.
7. Listen to your friends. One of the biggest red-flags of any relationship is when your friends don’t like who you’re dating. Look, your true friends are always going to want to see you happy and wish you the best. They want you to find true love and succeed. It’s part of their job description. So when the people closest to you take issue with the person you’re with, take heed. We often idealize the people we’re with because we’re so close to the situation. Friends see it from an outside perspective. They often witness immediately what you won’t realize months/years down the road. Save yourself the trouble.
8. NEVER get involved with someone who is married. Under absolutely no circumstances. If they are unhappy in their marriage and want to be with you, give them the number of a divorce attorney and wait for them to take action. If they don’t, then it wasn’t meant to be and you dodged a bullet. People who step outside of their marriage are just bad news. Avoid the drama.
9. While we’d all like to believe we’re superhuman, we’re not. No matter how great you are, you have faults. Accept them and work to make them better. But don’t pretend they’re not there.
10. Identify your boundaries and stick to them. Don’t compromise something that is fundamentally important to who you are just to please someone else. When you make those sorts of compromises, you’re only compromising yourself.

FOR MEN

1. Nothing is sexier to a woman than chivalry. There is a reason that 99.9% of all fairy tales (heroin for a woman’s inner romantic) include tales of Prince Charming. As much as women like to believe we’re beyond it, we’re not. I’m probably the most independent woman you’ll ever meet, but if there is a tie-breaker between two men and one ALWAYS opens the door and acts like a gentleman – he will win every time. And if you do polite things and a woman doesn’t notice, move on. That effort should be celebrated, not taken for granted.
2. Just because men and women are wired differently, doesn’t give you a free pass to be a dog about it. If you’ve got a roaming eye, then set yourself free and roam until your heart’s content. Don’t try and play both sides. It doesn’t work.
3. Be a man. Be a man. Be a man. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Women are inherently attracted to power and confidence. It doesn’t have to be financial power, it’s just an inner strength that they exude. Study Don Draper. Be more like him (only minus the womanizing, the womanizing is what keeps him from being pretty much perfect). If a woman spends more time consoling you and building you up, she’s gonna lose interest. That’s why it’s important to sort your problems out before you start dating or getting involved with someone. Women want to be someone’s lover, not their mother.
4. Communicate. Men and women communicate differently, and society reinforces that behavior in us differently. This doesn’t mean that you have to broadcast your feelings to the world (we only prefer that when you talk about how awesome we are), but you must share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. It’s the only thing that’s gonna build trust.
5. Foreplay is always important. I know most guys like to imagine themselves Cassanova incarnate, but I hate to break it to you fellas…some of you all need serious work.
6. Women want compliments. We don’t want to ask for them (in fact, it invalidates them when we do). Think about how often you think about or want sex. It’s a lot right? This is roughly how often women like to be praised. It doesn’t mean we’re insecure or attention-seeking, but women want to be special. We want to feel prized. And look at it this way, it’s building yourself credit. That way, when you do something that does upset us, our inner monologue is more likely to come to your defense, “Yeah he may have fucked up this one time, but overall he’s such a sweetheart.” Compliments are a good relationship investment.
7. Women make an effort for you. Do the same. When we go out, we spend a great amount of time looking good – for you. Yes, women dress for other women subconsciously, but that’s because we want you to be proud to be seen with us. Therefore, it wouldn’t kill you to make an effort every once in a while.
8. Don’t treat us as one-dimensional. It does us a grave disservice. Women like to be flattered, what we don’t like is to be told that it’s the only reason guys talk to us. I mean we’re not idiots fellas, we recognize that most of the time guys talk to us they’re feeling out the situation for something more. We weren’t born yesterday. Most women have adapted to this, and we work around it & with it, far better than you could ever imagine. But whenever a guy says to us “He’s only nice to you because he wants to get into your pants” we have to wonder if that’s the only thing you think we have to offer yourself.
9. Just because a woman is nice to you, doesn’t mean she’s after something more. Don’t sabotage a potentially amazing friendship because YOU want something more. If you’re putting out the signals, and she’s not biting, it’s because she doesn’t want to go down that road for whatever reason. You can either accept that or risk ruining your friendship.
10. No woman is worth losing your balls over. That’s a rather blunt way of saying, don’t let a woman dictate what you are/aren’t allowed to do if there’s no reason for it. If you want to go out with your friends and do guy things, your partner should trust you and allow you to do it. If you have to ask permission to go out with your friends, then you are well within your right to demand she does other motherly things (like clean the house, do all of the dishes, take care of the kids herself, etc.). When in doubt, refer back to guideline #3 and be a man. But a gentleman. Not a neanderthal.

FOR WOMEN

1. Learn to be independent. Never rely on a man for anything that you yourself can not provide. Relationships should be symbiotic. That means, that you both bring things to the table. Stop expecting a man to be your father and take care of you. You should always under any circumstances be able to walk out the door at any given moment. That doesn’t mean that you should but if the unforseen should occur, you should be able to say “Sayonara” and peace out without any debilitating trouble. Gloria Steinem said it best, “Most women are one man away from welfare.” Be the exception to that rule.
2. Pay for things or at the very least offer. One of the biggest complaints my guy friends have, is that while they like to take care of their wives/girlfriends, they resent the fact that they feel taken for granted sometimes. A good dating rule of thumb, is that if you pick the restaurant or location, you should at least be prepared to pay for your portion. When he refuses to let you pay for it, it let’s him feel like a provider. And if he let’s you take care of it, he’ll appreciate that you’ve made such a gesture. Guys like to be wined and dined too (and unlike us, it’s not so common for them to get it).
3. Stop dating losers. Look at it like this, if you had the money to buy any car – would you pick the one that needs a LOT of work or one that can be driven right off the lot without any worry? Save yourself the headache. Relationships take a lot of work, it’s true, but they shouldn’t be a “project” piece. Some guys just need their tires balanced, some guys need a complete engine rebuild (avoid those guys).
4. Say Thank You and be grateful. You should expect to be treated like a princess and be respected, but don’t be a bitch about it.
5. Stop being negative about yourself and learn to take a compliment. If a guy tells you that you look pretty, don’t come back with, “Ugh I look fat.” HE WAS MAKING AN EFFORT! Encourage the effort, don’t shoot him down!
6. Not every girl who talks to him is an insipid whore out to ruin your relationship. Sure, some of them may be, but most of them aren’t. Jealousy is a waste of time. If your guy is hot, who cares if other ladies think so? Let them admire from afar. When a girl crosses the line, give him the opportunity to set her straight himself.
7. Be friends with other women. Here’s the thing, whenever I meet a woman who says, “I’m only friends with guys.” What I hear is, “Guys are the only ones who tolerate my bullsh*t.” The reason you’re only friends with guys isn’t because you can’t find commonality with other women (look, I have some of the most obscure, tomboy tastes around and I have a plethora of lady pals); no the reason you’re only friends with guys is because the women in your life aren’t trying to get into your pants – so they’re gonna call it like they see it. There’s no incentive for women to tolerate your ridiculous behavior.
8. Let your man be a man. I never understand why women work so hard at emasculating their men. It’s embarrassing. Now this is within reason, but if your guy wants to have a harmless lad’s night out, for pete’s sake LET HIM. If he goes out with the boys, yeah some girls may flirt with him, c’est la vie. Everyone needs an ego boost and to know they’ve “still got it” every once in a while. He’s coming home to you and he’s gonna love you for letting him be himself. Men need to be around other guys, so that they can do whatever it is guys do when they’re together (from what I gather it’s rather innocuous anyhow). Sure, he likes doing couple-stuff too, but if you need someone to ALWAYS go shopping with you, befriend a gay man. They live for that stuff.
9. Recognize your power. Here’s the thing ladies, we’re always in control. Now fellas, I’m not trying to diminish your strengths by any means, but every man on earth would agree with me here. Freud may think that women have penis envy, but the reality is, the reason women aren’t ruled by sex is because we can ALWAYS get it. 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It may not be the quality we’re after, but we can get. Men can’t and they know this. So even when you feel like you’re not in control, in many ways you very much are. Now don’t use go using sex as a weapon (MAJOR RED FLAG), just rest assured we’ve got the upper-hand in at least one facet of our lives.
10. Stop rushing things. At some point in our lives all women are guilty of being creatures of immediacy. We meet a guy who ticks all the right boxes at all the right times, and a day later we’re ready to live happily ever after and have his babies. Not only does this scare most guys, but there’s no need to rush things anyhow. If he’s Prince Charming today, he’ll be Prince Charming 6 months from now. Let him prove himself. Don’t judge him, but let him demonstrate how great he is. Guys all secretly love showing off and impressing us. Afford him that opportunity. Guys like to believe they’re in charge anyhow. Let them believe it.

I’m sure I could write more, but those are just the general guidelines that I think hold true for most (if not all) relationships. Love isn’t rocket science. Sometimes it’s easier, sometimes it’s more of a mystery. The key to deciphering it though, is to get yourself in a good place in your own life. I’m a strong believer that energy attracts energy. Learn to be happy on your own. When you reach that point, everything else is a bonus. And more importantly it will prevent you from making rushed/co-dependently driven decisions in your dating life.

Be yourself.

And when you’re the best version of you are, you’ll have the best relationship you could ever possibly imagine. Because you won’t have settled for anything less than you deserve.

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