I thought I would change it up for a bit this entry. My friend Brian Rothenbeck is arguably the king of the mix tape and recently we’ve been talking about the dying art of it, especially in regards to romance. Music, in some form or fashion, has always been such an integral part of my life. It’s so often a way to express things in an eluding way, without having to be too literal or obvious.

Being on the receiving end of a mix-tape is definitely a wonderful experience. Knowing that someone took the time and the effort to craft something especially for you, well, it’s an incredible feeling. I encourage everyone to do it at least once, or do it now. It’s one of those times that you get a free pass for being a little over-the-top and cheesy.

Norwegian Fanzine Alt Opptatt invited me to put together a mix tape of songs that remind me of someone, so I did. Thankfully they didn’t ask me to explain them or who they were for, but it’s been my project tonight, so enjoy!  Also, feel free to chime in with songs that warm your heart as well.

And here it goes…

“If you think you can, you can. And if you think you can’t, you’re right.”
- Mary Kay Ash

I feel as if I start every entry with an apology for taking so long to update, but the truth of the matter is, when life is busy and smooth sailing, I’m often not compelled to talk about conflict resolution or compose a pep rally for self-improvement. I know, I know…it’s neglectful of me, but I guess that’s why there are more songs about heartache than there are about the joyous rapture of love. Because when things are good, you don’t want to stop for a second and think about anything else.

I’ll try to do better. I promise. If anything it will prevent my inbox from getting filled with emails berating me for being (arguably) a bit lazy.

So here it goes, your latest pearl of wisdom from yours truly.

Last night I was talking with an old friend of mine about the virtues (or lack thereof) in regards to modern life dating. We had been discussing the latest development of Kim Kardashian’s sham of a marriage. Why we felt the need to waste our time discussing this, I have no idea, but we were. And of course it compelled me to begin reflecting on the subject of dating & relationships in general.

I was commenting to a friend the other day about the irony of life sometimes.

You see, I feel that the happier I am with my own life situation the harder it is for me to find someone I’m interested in dating with any serious interest. It’s not that I lack options (thankfully I always have options) but I develop a more discerning palate when the rest of my life is well-sorted. The happier I am with everything else (work, social life, friendships), the more I resolve myself to wait for the man who can make me laugh like Bill Murray. is as clever as David Mitchell, as smart as Steve Jobs, as talented as Caravaggio, and as handsome as Hilmir Snær Guðnason (look, for whatever reason he does it for me). But my point is, the more things are going my way the less likely it is that I’m willing to settle for second best in any other respect.

However, when things in other parts of my world are a bit less than stellar (stress at work, arguments with friends, general malaise), the more I tend to settle for a bench warmer. Sure, I may find a small trace of the things I’m seeking from my ideal man, but more often than not I end up tolerating the less than desirable aspects of that dream man. Sure they may make me laugh like Bill Murray, but truth-be-told they’re often just merely sarcastic without the charm. They may possess small amounts of David Mitchell’s wit, but it usually ends up being less-than-articulate bitching. They may be talented (I’m always a sucker for talent) but they couple it with Caravaggio’s borderline sociopathy, so no dice. Suffice it to say that none of them ever remotely resemble Mr. Guðnason, so at least I maintain enough common sense not to taint that ideal. But my point is, whenever I am less-than-fulfilled in other parts of my life, the more likely it is that I’ll be dating someone less than I deserve.

Sure I recognize that I have impossibly high standards (that most likely will never be achieved) but I’m also a realist. So I know that I need to find some sort of middle ground. I need to reach a place where I’ve not made it an either or scenario; where I’m either inhabiting a utopia or settling for something in the fleeting hope I’ll merely one day catch a break on my taxes for joint filing.

That’s just me speaking from personal experience, but almost everyone I know does it. Not just with dating, but with anything and everything. When we’re happy, we want the best. Hell, maybe we even demand it because we feel so entitled. When we’re feeling low, well…we’re open to being convinced or we’re just settling for something so we’re not lonely.

When I write these entries I use identifiers like “I” and “me” but that’s mostly because I’m 1/2 speaking from personal experience and 1/2 speaking from the ability to relate to other people. But I was recently asked to write some some “guidelines” for dating. So here they are, in no particular order. Feel free to chime in with any additional comments.

FOR BOTH SEXES

1. If you’re currently in a relationship, focus on that relationship.
2. Don’t placate yourself by using other people to fill whatever void is there. It’s your job to fix YOUR problems. If you’re not getting the attention you want from your partner, sort it out with them. Communicate. Address the issues. Don’t try and resolve that issue through that sexy, young thing that finds you charming. Why? Well there are slew of reasons, but mostly because you’ll now be juggling the emotions of three people. Why complicate things when you don’t have to? Keep it simple.
3. If you’re unhappy in your relationship, sort it out with your partner. Accept the fact that the reason(s) you’re unhappy may be because it’s time to move on. Dig deep. Examine what it is you’re unhappy about. If it’s a fixable problem (miscommunication, insecurity) find a resolution. If you’re the problem, figure out why. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself (or someone else) is to move on.
4. If you “break up” and “get back together” more than twice, end the relationship for good and don’t look back. Look it’s not rocket science here. Relationships aren’t meant to be roller coasters. When you’re on/off/on again every other day, the relationship loses credibility. It’s become disposable and flippant, exactly the opposite of what a relationship should be. Breaking up should always be an ultimate last resort. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Don’t be a fool.
5. Never do anything away from your partner that you wouldn’t do in front of them. It’s simply about respect. I now always ask myself, “If so-and-so were here right now, would I be doing this?” And if the answer is “no” then don’t do it. This usually applies to flirting or putting yourself in compromising situations. It’s just not worth the weight on your conscious, and when (not if, because they always find out) your partner finds out, they’ll be even more upset that you kept it from them.
6. Accept that no one is perfect. People make mistakes, so be understanding. No one is going to be on their best behavior 100% of the time. Don’t misunderstand me, cardinal sins shouldn’t get a free pass by any means. But if someone engages in behavior you don’t like or appreciate, discuss it with them. Give them the opportunity to explain. Remember, no one wants to date their mom/dad, and if they DO…well then there are bigger issues at hand.
7. Listen to your friends. One of the biggest red-flags of any relationship is when your friends don’t like who you’re dating. Look, your true friends are always going to want to see you happy and wish you the best. They want you to find true love and succeed. It’s part of their job description. So when the people closest to you take issue with the person you’re with, take heed. We often idealize the people we’re with because we’re so close to the situation. Friends see it from an outside perspective. They often witness immediately what you won’t realize months/years down the road. Save yourself the trouble.
8. NEVER get involved with someone who is married. Under absolutely no circumstances. If they are unhappy in their marriage and want to be with you, give them the number of a divorce attorney and wait for them to take action. If they don’t, then it wasn’t meant to be and you dodged a bullet. People who step outside of their marriage are just bad news. Avoid the drama.
9. While we’d all like to believe we’re superhuman, we’re not. No matter how great you are, you have faults. Accept them and work to make them better. But don’t pretend they’re not there.
10. Identify your boundaries and stick to them. Don’t compromise something that is fundamentally important to who you are just to please someone else. When you make those sorts of compromises, you’re only compromising yourself.

FOR MEN

1. Nothing is sexier to a woman than chivalry. There is a reason that 99.9% of all fairy tales (heroin for a woman’s inner romantic) include tales of Prince Charming. As much as women like to believe we’re beyond it, we’re not. I’m probably the most independent woman you’ll ever meet, but if there is a tie-breaker between two men and one ALWAYS opens the door and acts like a gentleman – he will win every time. And if you do polite things and a woman doesn’t notice, move on. That effort should be celebrated, not taken for granted.
2. Just because men and women are wired differently, doesn’t give you a free pass to be a dog about it. If you’ve got a roaming eye, then set yourself free and roam until your heart’s content. Don’t try and play both sides. It doesn’t work.
3. Be a man. Be a man. Be a man. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Women are inherently attracted to power and confidence. It doesn’t have to be financial power, it’s just an inner strength that they exude. Study Don Draper. Be more like him (only minus the womanizing, the womanizing is what keeps him from being pretty much perfect). If a woman spends more time consoling you and building you up, she’s gonna lose interest. That’s why it’s important to sort your problems out before you start dating or getting involved with someone. Women want to be someone’s lover, not their mother.
4. Communicate. Men and women communicate differently, and society reinforces that behavior in us differently. This doesn’t mean that you have to broadcast your feelings to the world (we only prefer that when you talk about how awesome we are), but you must share your thoughts and feelings with your partner. It’s the only thing that’s gonna build trust.
5. Foreplay is always important. I know most guys like to imagine themselves Cassanova incarnate, but I hate to break it to you fellas…some of you all need serious work.
6. Women want compliments. We don’t want to ask for them (in fact, it invalidates them when we do). Think about how often you think about or want sex. It’s a lot right? This is roughly how often women like to be praised. It doesn’t mean we’re insecure or attention-seeking, but women want to be special. We want to feel prized. And look at it this way, it’s building yourself credit. That way, when you do something that does upset us, our inner monologue is more likely to come to your defense, “Yeah he may have fucked up this one time, but overall he’s such a sweetheart.” Compliments are a good relationship investment.
7. Women make an effort for you. Do the same. When we go out, we spend a great amount of time looking good – for you. Yes, women dress for other women subconsciously, but that’s because we want you to be proud to be seen with us. Therefore, it wouldn’t kill you to make an effort every once in a while.
8. Don’t treat us as one-dimensional. It does us a grave disservice. Women like to be flattered, what we don’t like is to be told that it’s the only reason guys talk to us. I mean we’re not idiots fellas, we recognize that most of the time guys talk to us they’re feeling out the situation for something more. We weren’t born yesterday. Most women have adapted to this, and we work around it & with it, far better than you could ever imagine. But whenever a guy says to us “He’s only nice to you because he wants to get into your pants” we have to wonder if that’s the only thing you think we have to offer yourself.
9. Just because a woman is nice to you, doesn’t mean she’s after something more. Don’t sabotage a potentially amazing friendship because YOU want something more. If you’re putting out the signals, and she’s not biting, it’s because she doesn’t want to go down that road for whatever reason. You can either accept that or risk ruining your friendship.
10. No woman is worth losing your balls over. That’s a rather blunt way of saying, don’t let a woman dictate what you are/aren’t allowed to do if there’s no reason for it. If you want to go out with your friends and do guy things, your partner should trust you and allow you to do it. If you have to ask permission to go out with your friends, then you are well within your right to demand she does other motherly things (like clean the house, do all of the dishes, take care of the kids herself, etc.). When in doubt, refer back to guideline #3 and be a man. But a gentleman. Not a neanderthal.

FOR WOMEN

1. Learn to be independent. Never rely on a man for anything that you yourself can not provide. Relationships should be symbiotic. That means, that you both bring things to the table. Stop expecting a man to be your father and take care of you. You should always under any circumstances be able to walk out the door at any given moment. That doesn’t mean that you should but if the unforseen should occur, you should be able to say “Sayonara” and peace out without any debilitating trouble. Gloria Steinem said it best, “Most women are one man away from welfare.” Be the exception to that rule.
2. Pay for things or at the very least offer. One of the biggest complaints my guy friends have, is that while they like to take care of their wives/girlfriends, they resent the fact that they feel taken for granted sometimes. A good dating rule of thumb, is that if you pick the restaurant or location, you should at least be prepared to pay for your portion. When he refuses to let you pay for it, it let’s him feel like a provider. And if he let’s you take care of it, he’ll appreciate that you’ve made such a gesture. Guys like to be wined and dined too (and unlike us, it’s not so common for them to get it).
3. Stop dating losers. Look at it like this, if you had the money to buy any car – would you pick the one that needs a LOT of work or one that can be driven right off the lot without any worry? Save yourself the headache. Relationships take a lot of work, it’s true, but they shouldn’t be a “project” piece. Some guys just need their tires balanced, some guys need a complete engine rebuild (avoid those guys).
4. Say Thank You and be grateful. You should expect to be treated like a princess and be respected, but don’t be a bitch about it.
5. Stop being negative about yourself and learn to take a compliment. If a guy tells you that you look pretty, don’t come back with, “Ugh I look fat.” HE WAS MAKING AN EFFORT! Encourage the effort, don’t shoot him down!
6. Not every girl who talks to him is an insipid whore out to ruin your relationship. Sure, some of them may be, but most of them aren’t. Jealousy is a waste of time. If your guy is hot, who cares if other ladies think so? Let them admire from afar. When a girl crosses the line, give him the opportunity to set her straight himself.
7. Be friends with other women. Here’s the thing, whenever I meet a woman who says, “I’m only friends with guys.” What I hear is, “Guys are the only ones who tolerate my bullsh*t.” The reason you’re only friends with guys isn’t because you can’t find commonality with other women (look, I have some of the most obscure, tomboy tastes around and I have a plethora of lady pals); no the reason you’re only friends with guys is because the women in your life aren’t trying to get into your pants – so they’re gonna call it like they see it. There’s no incentive for women to tolerate your ridiculous behavior.
8. Let your man be a man. I never understand why women work so hard at emasculating their men. It’s embarrassing. Now this is within reason, but if your guy wants to have a harmless lad’s night out, for pete’s sake LET HIM. If he goes out with the boys, yeah some girls may flirt with him, c’est la vie. Everyone needs an ego boost and to know they’ve “still got it” every once in a while. He’s coming home to you and he’s gonna love you for letting him be himself. Men need to be around other guys, so that they can do whatever it is guys do when they’re together (from what I gather it’s rather innocuous anyhow). Sure, he likes doing couple-stuff too, but if you need someone to ALWAYS go shopping with you, befriend a gay man. They live for that stuff.
9. Recognize your power. Here’s the thing ladies, we’re always in control. Now fellas, I’m not trying to diminish your strengths by any means, but every man on earth would agree with me here. Freud may think that women have penis envy, but the reality is, the reason women aren’t ruled by sex is because we can ALWAYS get it. 24 hours a day 7 days a week. It may not be the quality we’re after, but we can get. Men can’t and they know this. So even when you feel like you’re not in control, in many ways you very much are. Now don’t use go using sex as a weapon (MAJOR RED FLAG), just rest assured we’ve got the upper-hand in at least one facet of our lives.
10. Stop rushing things. At some point in our lives all women are guilty of being creatures of immediacy. We meet a guy who ticks all the right boxes at all the right times, and a day later we’re ready to live happily ever after and have his babies. Not only does this scare most guys, but there’s no need to rush things anyhow. If he’s Prince Charming today, he’ll be Prince Charming 6 months from now. Let him prove himself. Don’t judge him, but let him demonstrate how great he is. Guys all secretly love showing off and impressing us. Afford him that opportunity. Guys like to believe they’re in charge anyhow. Let them believe it.

I’m sure I could write more, but those are just the general guidelines that I think hold true for most (if not all) relationships. Love isn’t rocket science. Sometimes it’s easier, sometimes it’s more of a mystery. The key to deciphering it though, is to get yourself in a good place in your own life. I’m a strong believer that energy attracts energy. Learn to be happy on your own. When you reach that point, everything else is a bonus. And more importantly it will prevent you from making rushed/co-dependently driven decisions in your dating life.

Be yourself.

And when you’re the best version of you are, you’ll have the best relationship you could ever possibly imagine. Because you won’t have settled for anything less than you deserve.

“Oh my god. It’s like you are trapped in break-up hell.”
- Carrie

There is nothing on this planet more excruciatingly painful than the demise of a relationship that you had never expected to end.

Honestly, I’d prefer to be the victim of some sort of ultra-violence than to ever have to deal with being bind-sided by a breakup.

There’s probably a more eloquent way of stating the situation, but facts are facts.

Just when you think you’re starting to get the hang of it, and can relax for five minutes…

Just when you think that all of the obstacles and drama over the years had been leading up to something…

Just when you finally start trusting when someone tells you that you can trust them…

…it blows up in your face and you’re stuck with the sudden realization: “You know nothing.”

And you’re inundated with the typical responses from friends in situations like these.
“Oh my god, you can’t be serious!?!”
“What were they thinking?”
“You’ll find someone better.”
“Their loss! Big Time.”

And you know all of these things to be as perplexing as they are true. It still hurts, because it wasn’t the plan you had been laying out for yourself. An ‘ending’ was never part of the dreams you had been making. Happily ever after right? Isn’t that how the story goes?

But then you find out that they decided to take you out of their equation. You were no longer needed, required to be factored in, for them to achieve happiness.

It cuts to the core.

PEOPLE ARE A MYSTERY

I’ve always been able to pick up on the unspoken cues and read in-between the lines of what people are & aren’t willing to say. I understand people and can anticipate their wants and needs. It’s a skill. I know, for example, when someone tells me that their favorite color is ‘blue’ what they are really offering up is that they would prefer if people thought of them as calm and serene, but in actuality they have a great capacity to be cold and uncaring. Or when people say “they don’t know” what they really mean is, “I would tell you, but then you’d judge me, and I’d rather you sleuth it out yourself, so I can protect my ego.”

It’s my job to know people. It’s what makes me exceptional at what I do.

Such a perception has been a blessing as much as it has been a curse, because you soon realize that what most people don’t tell you, aren’t their secrets of unrequited love or longed-for daydreams, but rather it’s their shame and hurt. All of the things they are afraid that if you knew, you’d judge them for. Human beings so often tightly bundle up their misery and bury it deep down, thinking that it’ll vanish into thin air. And when it doesn’t, when much like Poe’s “The Tell-Tale Heart” the guilt just grows until it penetrates even the joy – then nothing is quite the same again.

And although I may be able to break people down in a matter of seconds, I rarely, if ever understand their choices. Sure, I can analyze the motivations and their underlying flawed-logic, but I’m never quite able to grasp why people make such self-sabotaging decisions. And with such zeal! It’s a true mystery of the human condition. Do people just not get it? How can such mistakes not be so glaringly obvious? Can they not see the disaster ahead?

I’ve realized something rather remarkable lately…

People get angry when you fail to acknowledge their faults. They get really wound up actually. It’s almost like they have this masochistic need to focus on their faults or at the very least, make you pay them proper respect.

You see, the tricky thing about emotional scars, is that they’re invisible to other people. But it’s what we see written all over our faces every time we glimpse into a mirror. It the shame we carry around with us, all of the things we want to resolve and let go, but aren’t sure quite how. All of our faults, our secrets, our less than stellar-shining moments, our sins, you name it. It’s what makes us feel defensive when people praise who we are, because for the most part, part of us will feel as if we’re being deceitful. Allowing someone to think we’re better than we are.

Whenever I meet someone, I think of them as at least three people.

1. The person that the world gets to see – For the most, part it’s the most “put-together” version of themselves, and while it’s real, it’s mostly just for show.
2. The person that only the close inner circle gets to see – Trusted confidantes that get to hear inner secrets and see them be unguarded. Until you see someone at their most vulnerable, I don’t really think you know who they are.
3. The real person – While some people may be more “real” than others, I’d be hard-pressed to find anyone who is willing to offer up their deepest-darkest shame to anyone they cross paths with on the street. The only person who ever has full-capacity of understanding who you are, is you. It’s your job to work at figuring it out, so that you can be as communicative as possible with people. Know your strengths, work on your weaknesses.

So when you truly love someone, with all of your heart, it’s not that you’re blind to their faults – but rather you ignorantly feel immune to the danger.

When people are emotionally restless, chances are, they are spending more time on that superficial level of interaction with people than on the more honest, vulnerable side. Perhaps they are afraid of being judged, maybe they feel out of place, maybe they haven’t met anyone they feel they can trust, maybe they are simply still trying to figure themselves out, maybe they’re just sociopaths. Who knows?

But there always seems to be a correlation in the relationships people are able to have with others and the one that they have with themselves.

The problem with loving these tier 1 people, is that we often naively believe that we can solve their problems. Love conquers all, right? And maybe these sorry souls will believe you for a little while, and start to see their true worth and value, but usually it’s only a matter of time, before they’re driving a nail into your heart saying, “See? See? I told you I was unlovable. I warned you.”

You can show them options, lead them down different paths, but people are going to do what they’re going to do – and the faster you’re able to start accepting that – the more quickly you are going to be able to recover from the setback of an unexpected heartbreak.

I’m not talking about the breakups that come with warning signs. I mean the truly jaw-to-the-floor “What-The-F*ck-Just-Happened-Here?” type of moments. Thankfully they are rare, but when they do occur…my god, it’s debilitating.

No one ever wants to be used by someone else and no one ever thinks so little of themselves that they think they’re capable of doing it.

But it happens.

STOP PARTICIPATING

Here’s the thing folks, if you don’t want to be in a relationship with someone – stop participating.

Drop the pretense.

You don’t have to be a jerk about it, but be honest. Even if you’re unsure of what exactly it is that you want, don’t string someone along while you figure it out.

Standard human-reaction time for making a decision?

1.5 seconds.

ONE POINT FIVE SECONDS.

That is how long it takes the average human being to essentially make up their mind about any decision. Sure, they may hem and haw about what it is they want to do, but 1.5 seconds is as long as it takes for them to make their base reaction. After 1.5 seconds, you know what your “gut” choice is going to be. You know if you want a blue dress or a red one, if you want to go left or right, if you’re interested in dating someone or not, etc.

So why the show? Why the melodrama? How about people start being more practical and forthcoming?

If in 1.5 seconds (heck, I’ll even give you 5) someone wants something that you are not sure that you want just tell them “No.”

Don’t “let it ride” until you decide that you don’t want it either, because all that time you’re spending trying to make up your mind, that person is making plans. Plans that probably include you in some way.

The more responsible course of action (and the only one to take if you truly care about a person’s feelings) is to say, “No.”

Wait until you are 110% sure you want exactly the same thing. Not 40%, 50%, 90% or 100%. Make sure you are on the same page with someone, 110%, before you jump on board with a suggestion or entertain an idea, especially when emotions are involved. Otherwise, feelings are going to get hurt. Damage may be done, and that damage may be irreparable. Why risk it?

LET PEOPLE FAIL

It’s like when a child is hammering a round peg through a square hole. You could tell them that it’s just a futile attempt of wasted energy, demonstrate a better course of action, and hand them back the hammer. But if they choose to keep pounding away at the round peg, there’s nothing more you can really do. You weren’t wrong about them, or their potential. The mistake was their own and they just aren’t ready for something different. It feels a waste, because it is, but it’s out of your control.

I mean this in the realm of relationships. Let people make their own mistakes and maybe you’ll thank them for it later. Who knows?

If someone you are with decides that they no longer want to be with you, don’t go all ragey on them. I mean, it’s perfectly fine to feel ragey, but accept what they are saying and let them have at it. Why? Because one of two things will happen:

1. They’ll move on and find someone else and leave you to it.
2. They’ll attempt to move on, fail, and come back.

Then the choice is yours, take them back or leave them.  But if someone breaks up with you, for no real reason, they just tell you that they “can’t” -  then don’t sweat it. You dodged a bullet.

We have put men into space and found cures for world-devastating plagues – if someone wants a relationship with you. They’ll figure out a way to make it happen. People can do anything, it’s just what someone is willing to do – that’s always the part they’re least likely to admit. It doesn’t sound as heroic when there’s a caveat. So if they “can’t” all they are telling you is that they don’t “want” to, and that’s OK.

Of course it never feels OK, but things will work out fine.

IT GETS BETTER

The world, in and of itself is such a messed up, emotional mine-field. It’s unfair, cold, and unjust. There’s no rhyme or reason to it, and at the end of the day we’re all gonna die regardless of what we do. In fact that is the only certainty of life, so does any of it really matter?

It’s all in the way you look at it I suppose.

Life can be whatever you make it. That’s sort of the miracle in it and the bitter irony as well.

It’s a trial, and full of countless tribulations. The world is going to do its damndest to break you and make you want to concede defeat. It will be relentless in its pursuit. So the key to life, if there is such a thing, is to never give up. Never give in. Always get back up, brush yourself off, and move on. That is how you survive.

The risk of going through life as a passive observer is that you never make sound decisions. You merely become more reactive, and consequently all subsequent choices are countered off that one impulsive decision. This is when the defeatist mindset takes hold and where the perpetual feelings of hopelessness gain their start. It’s when a person starts to feel that they’ve lost the semblance of control. It’s when the phrase “I can’t” enters into their vernacular.

The proactive outlook on the other hand is wholly intimidating for almost everyone. Just as most people are hard-pressed to not find fault with themselves, so too are people hesitant with crediting themselves any amount of bravery. Sure. we all like to imagine that when push came to shove we’d rise up at the last minute to do something miraculous and awe-inspiring with our last dying breath, to demonstrate to the world that our life really did matter, but the truth is – we’re given opportunities on a daily basis to become heroes. To change the world around us. To become saviors, if only to ourselves. And still, hardly anyone can be bothered to make the effort.

For me, however, the decisions we make in life are the story. It’s how we architect our future and lay the foundation for what comes our way further down the road. It’s a Choose Your Own Adventure book, and we’re each our own chapter or the entire story. Sometimes we find ourselves on the same page as another person, but more often than not we aren’t.

I don’t know why that fact still surprises me. Blame the optimism I suppose.

When I think of an illustration to guide me through life, I think about action movies. Because there is always that scene (and you know the one) where the good guys are in the midst of a difficult no-win situation and start to panic. All hope suddenly seems lost. One member always wants to turn back, retreats and eventually dies. Another one panics and makes a stupid decision, falls off a roof and then plummets to his death. And invariably the one who survives, is simply the one that took a moment, assessed the situation from all angles, and did whatever it was going to take to reach the outcome they were aiming for. That’s being a hero – not being extraordinarily brave – just being brave five minutes longer and using some goddamn common sense.

A few months ago my best friend was giving me some dating advice (which is oddly enough the only thing in my life that I really do need) and he said, “You don’t need a rich man, or a handsome man, or a man who can fix all of your problems. You never need to rely on a man for anything you can provide for yourself. You just need a brave man. A champion.”

A good rule to live by is, “Never trust someone you don’t love. Never love someone you don’t trust.”

I know it’s hard when you’re caught off-guard by a breakup, because the trust disappears at a much faster rate than the love. And you’re stuck in the limbo-hell-of-love, that is like an agonizing junkie withdrawal. The pain is so severe that it manifests itself in physical form and feels like it will never go away. But it will. You’re strong.

So take a deep breath, realize that it’s not the end of the world, it just feels like it right now.

Wait for the champion. The prince or princess who is going devote their honor to deserving yours.

In the mean time, work on being able to be a champion for someone else one day. While the breakup may hurt today, tomorrow is another day to be brave.

“When I feel fear, I cannot lie to myself. Instead I step into it. I go for it and live my life into possibility.”
-Rudy Reyes

I used to think that I understood love.

How could I not? After all, I’m a hopeless romantic of epic proportions. I’d wear my heart on my sleeve if they ever made sleeves big enough to attach it.

I quite often find myself lost in daydreams centered on life, love, happily ever-afters, you name it. I am frequently found guilty of romanticizing love to its fullest extent. I freely admit to loving love and reveling in it. But love, love is a funny thing because it cannot wholly be summed up with just one feeling. If you were to ask a room of 100 people what their definition of “true love” is, you’d be the recipient of 100 different answers – each presented with more conviction than the next.

Why?

Because love, beyond anything else that this world will throw in your path, is the true elemental force that defines our lives. It’s not a thing to be taken lightly or trifled with. Much like the wind, it can offer us a cool respite from the heat or it can mow a trail of destruction in its path. And learning how to harness such a power (and responsibility) can truly feel like a trial by fire. We get it wrong as often as we get right, even when we believe in our hearts that we’re making the right decision. Especially when we feel we have the best intentions.

Just as Kirkegaard said, “Love is all. It gives all and it takes all.”

So yeah, I thought I had all of the answers. Actually, that’s not entirely true, I assumed that I had all of the answers. I thought I knew what it meant to love, be in love, and most importantly – love someone completely without condition.

And I don’t mean the kind of unconditional love that comes from being a parent or owning a pet. There isn’t any sort of obligation of duty required in this type of arrangement. The unconditional type of love is something that you can walk away from at any given moment. You are free to leave…only you don’t. Nor would you ever want to.

I thought I understood this love. I thought I had experienced it, only of course I hadn’t. Because if I did, I would have been reveling in the midst of it…not typing out some blog on relationships. No offense to you guys of course; but it is what it is.

I was a headstrong youth. Fiercely independent. Ambitious. Successful. And to my detriment, was always able to get what I wanted. Not in a spoiled-brat kind of way, because I definitely wasn’t raised with that type of I-Am-The-Center-Of-The-Universe mentality (even if I’ve been guilty of operating that way in my lesser moments); but rather life just always seemed to happen the way in which I wanted things to happen. And when it didn’t, it never really bothered me.

The problem though, is that even when I got what it was I after (or thought I wanted) it was never a guarantee that it would last. Mostly because I would always figure out a way to muck it up. It’s called life, I know. It’s a learning experience. We live. We learn. We Mature. We triumph and fail. But I never lacked at opportunity for trials.

Truth be told, I never really suffered consequences for my actions. Sure my heart may have been bruised for a little while in failed moments, but I was never at a loss for someone happy to help heal it. In fact, I never had to look very far for anything. Sometimes it felt like the universe was laying things at my feet and all I had to do was choose which thing I wanted to indulge in for a moment of time – people, interests, relationships, you name it.

So why then, did I so often feel lost? I had almost every tool at my disposal, but I just felt so restless and mercurial.

Then it hit me, I have a lot of conditional love in my life.

It became a moment of passing reflection that turned into a great journey of self-discovery; but even then, it was only through my closest friends that I was finally able to connect all the dots.

The Discovery

It was once said, “Concepts, like individuals, have their histories and are just  as incapable of withstanding the ravages of time as are individuals. But in and through all this they retain a kind of homesickness for the scenes of their childhood.”

When you first meet my friend Rudy, it’s hard to look past the superficial qualities. It’s a challenge for anyone. He’s just physically attractive to the point that you’re actually taken aback by it. I remember the first time I saw him in passing, I thought to myself, “Is that dude even human?” and the thought lingered on the entire time I was gettting coffee.

It’s the typical response one usually has when meeting him.

But if you’re perceptive, you quickly realize you’re doing a massive disservice by restricting him to some one-dimensional constraint. Because while he may be attractive  – he so much more than that. So much more. And often in our lives, we never take the time to get past those exterior perceptions. And just because someone is attractive, doesn’t mean that you’re doing them a favor only by focusing on such.

Now I didn’t just write this entry as an excuse to rave about my attractive friend. There are plenty of other blogs in cyberspace run by lonely housewives and gay men with their fingers-crossed, who are focused on that. Rather, it wasn’t until long after when we became trusted friends that I began to learn who the real man was. Not the “marine.” Not the “movie star.” Not the “martial art guru” or the “pretty face.”

But rather, all of it and despite it.

I won’t waste your time sharing his story, because he does it better than anyone that I’ve ever met and you can read about it here. I’m also fiercely protective of our friendship, so don’t expect me to spill any revelations about him anytime soon. But it was one of the most refreshing experiences to hear this man who is the envy of everyone, talk about something so simple as yearning for love. Hearing someone openly admit to the need for love and acceptance, when every rulebook you’ve ever read would have you believe they were drowning in it, was the most poignant thing that has ever crossed my path.

Because it echoed like one of those proverbial secrets, we all know deep-down inside but are too ashamed to admit ourselves.

My point is, over the times we’ve shared: every late-night phone call or long talk we share, is about him as much as it’s been about me. The more I’ve been able to listen to him and his experience; the good, the bad, the ugly –  the more I’ve been able to reflect on my own life outlook and learn from it.

It made me realize, that there are people in my life that I love unconditionally, just not many. He’s just one of those lucky few, and believe you me, he’s no breezy walk-in-the-park on a sunny-rainbow afternoon either. But no matter what, I’ve never cared about him any less in those moments where he feels “less than perfect”- in fact, it probably made me love him more. He is one of my most treasured friends.

It’s Ok To Not Be Perfect

So while I have no delusions that a unit of recon Marines with no close air support or armor running and gunning into insurgents that are holed up in towns and fighting to the death is terrifying; so too is opening yourself up for judgement and making yourself vulnerable to someone whose favorable opinion you want to hold.

As I’ve taken baby steps out into the world, following a warrior’s example of admitting my potential for greatness and my penchant for self-destruction, it’s been a revelation.

So while most people are impressed with how strong he is, how much he works out, or how deadly he can be…I’ve really only ever been awestruck by how open he is about life and how much he cares about those around him. Even when those efforts feel futile on either end, he persists. It’s an attribute I’ve actively tried to make an integral part of my own life, but he does it far better than I.

But one of the greatest lessons I’ve learned from him (and there have been many) is: how else are we going to learn if we are both capable of unconditional love or worthy of it…unless we learn to put ourselves out there (flaws and all) and preach the message ourselves?

Remember, just because you love someone isn’t a guarantee they are going to love you back. Nevertheless, love them hard just the same. Love always finds a way of coming back to you.

“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
-Winston Churchill

I tend to get a lot of emails from people soliciting advice on what to do when their relationship is headed south or is in a downward spiral. At first it was tricky trying to figure out how to properly respond to everyone’s request, then as time went by I realized that invariably the sentiment was exactly the same. It wasn’t so much that people were turning to me for a magic answer (there isn’t one I’m afraid) or that they needed me to intervene in their particular scenario; they really just wanted someone to listen.

Listening takes little effort and it’s remarkably easy to do once you get the hang of it, but initially there is a learning curve.

You see, listening isn’t about trying to figure out an answer or particular response when someone comes to you for advice. Listening, true listening, is about hearing what the other person is saying…and more importantly…what they are not revealing. No one likes making themselves vulnerable or being judged, especially when they are feeling low; so they may be timid before coming out with everything at once. And if you jump the gun, and try and solve the first “problem” they give you, you may be misdiagnosing their true ailment. The key is to listen and ask questions, slowly making them feel comfortable to opening up with their real problem. It may take some time, but once you demonstrate that you are truly sincere in your efforts, people will be more apt to cut to the chase the next time.

What I have found to be really difficult for people isn’t listening; because when you care about a person, you genuinely do want to help fix their problems or give them a shoulder to cry on. No, what is hard for people is actually expressing their problems and verbalizing them outloud. Men are especially guilty of this behavior, and I don’t know if it’s because they feel a societal pressure to always “have it together” or that they are fundamentally hard-wired to be “fixers.” Whatever the case may be, they are usually the hardest to get to open up. Conversely, even when they do want to express their feelings, many of them don’t know how or they are hesitant at doing so. They bottle it up and find that it manifests itself in other ways, and most of them not terribly positive.

Women on the other hand, love to talk. Some men don’t understand that when women express themselves, they aren’t necessarily looking for answers. They just learn at a young age that getting feelings out into the ether (one way or another) is quite liberating. It alleviates some of the burden. It makes you feel like you can actually breathe again. Of course moderation is necessary, because no one wants to be around someone who is always talking about their problems or complaining about their difficulties. But verbalizing your sadness is the first step to taking back the power.

One of my best friends was notorious for bottling everything up inside; feelings of failure or inadequacy, heartbreak, loss, sadness, you name it. Instead he hammered his body, turned to drugs and alcohol, and went to great lengths to push his feelings deep down. What it took him a long time to understand however, is that numbing your feelings only works for a little while. Eventually the numbness wears off and the feelings reappear; and even if you just retaliate by drowning your sorrows more…you’re fighting a losing battle. You will never be able to escape yourself or your demons. It takes a lot more courage to face them head on, but the reward in the end, is priceless.

In fact, this blog was initially conceived, not because I thought I had solutions to major life problems; but rather, because I was going through my own process of self-realization. I had always engaged in my own self-sabotage (in some form or another) and finally was tired of suffering the consequences of that same behavior. It was a watershed moment for me when I finally decided to take a step out of my comfort zone, abandon old habits, and really get to the root of it all. It hasn’t been easy, I’ve faltered as much as I’ve succeeded, but I can tell you first hand – my life these days is radically different.

More importantly, and what many others have echoed as well, is once the process of self discovery is over, you reach a point in life where you are happy – truly fulfilled – no matter what the day brings your way. In the past, even at moments when I should have been ‘over the moon’ as it were, I always felt an emptiness or dissatisfaction. No one could ever understand it, not even myself. Yes, I have been extremely succesful, I have accomplished a great many things, and I have been blessed to have so many amazing people in my life – but I was never able to appreciate them the way that I should have. Why? Because at the root of it all, I was unhappy and I carried those feelings with me, constantly.

You see, when you experience a loss or have a great sadness in your life, and you’re constantly carrying that around with you - it’s like having a deep hole in your soul. But instead of doing the hardwork of putting the dirt back (and frankly, if you were like me, you didn’t know how) – you just try and cover it up or throw things inside to fill the gap (relationships, drugs, work, alcohol, exercise) hoping that it will resolve your problems. But they don’t, at best they are temporary fixes. To resolve the issues completely you have to confront your problems head on.

It is a journey, and oftentime an arduous one. But as cliche’ as it may be, time does really heal wounds once you start to try. But you can’t (forgive me) half-ass it. You have to really own up to everything and lay yourself and your emotions bare. It’s a difficult thing for most people to do. And when people utilize temporary fixes, they’re only happy for a short while. It’s tatamount to severing off a limb then trying to use a band-aid to fix it. Not gonna work. You have to be honest with yourself, and once you do change that mindset, life has a strange way of radically feeling different.

The key though, is learning how to take that first step…

“To cure jealousy is to see it for what it is, a dissatisfaction with self.”
- Joan Didion 

Human beings are emotional creatures, there’s no doubt about that. Even the seemingly most “unemotional” individual most likely has all sorts of feelings turmoiling about, just below the surface. While it is always beneficial to constructively show emotion one way or another, be it love or sadness, the one trait that I have always found uneccessary and unsettling is jealousy.

Without fail, jealous always brings out the worst traits of any individual, especially when it’s unwarranted. Of course it’s a problem that has haunted mankind since our inception; and is even found throughout the animal world. In other words, we’re not alone in our predisposition to subsequent immaturity.

We all grew up with tales of jealousy, as they have permeated and been the catalyst for conflicts both real and imagined since the dawn of time. Children grew up with fairytales like Cinderella with her jealous evil step-mother and conspiring step-sisters; Snow White had to flee into the forest to avoid the Queen who felt undermined by her beauty (also worth noting, in the original version it was Snow White’s own mother who wished her dead), and one of my most favorites is the “Prince and His Servants” – a tale about a prince who uses the help of his friends to win the hand of a maiden when he is set to impossible tasks by her jealous master.

Wars have been waged, murders committed, and conflict always arises whenever jealousy rears its ugly head.

If jealousy is such a terrible thing, and we know it’s bad, then why do people continually participate in such a destructive behavior?

Jealousy is a fear-based emotion. Warranted or not, jealousy is based in insecurity.

Overall I’ve never considered myself a jealous person, and I know that people often say that but don’t really mean it, but it’s true. Granted when I was younger, I often envied the girls who seemingly had it a bit more together than myself, but I can’t ever recall being senselessly jealous in any relationship. It’s just never been something I’ve seen as beneficial – to anyone involved.

Would I sit by and let some harlot seduce my partner? Of course not.  But in the same breath, I wouldn’t want to be with anyone I feared would compromise our relationship in such a way. Whenever someone flirts with or comes on to my partner, I mostly find it flattering. Who doesn’t love a little ego boost now and again? And if someone finds my partner attractive, well so be it…of course they are! And it’s no hassle to me if they tell them.

There difference however, is how your partner chooses to respond. The correct response would be to smile, be gracious, and move on. Be polite about it, because there’s no need to freak out on someone for simply offering up a compliment. If necessary make it clear that while you’re flattered, you’re not interested. No harm. No foul.

A little banter isn’t a big deal. It’s not. The problem arises when they take it a step-beyond just superficial flirtation, then a conversation with them may be required. Chances are, it’s symptomatic of a larger problem in your relationship and they’re not entirely happy. If the relationship is worth saving, then you need to find out what the problem is and proceed from there. Take it as a warning sign, and not an request for craziness to manifest itself. That’s only going to make it worse.

I remember dating someone that I was head-over-heels about. In my eyes, they were never anything but sheer perfection. We were dating because I chose to be with them; clearly I wasn’t obligated or felt forced into the relationship. No matter where I went or who I was with, I felt confident in our commitment to one another. Did men flirt with me? Sure.  But ultimately it never phased me one way or another. In fact, I often felt an emotion akin to annoyance about it; but generally once I told them I had a boyfriend they would go away.

However, almost immediately into the relationship my partner would freak out whenever this would occur. If a guy talked to me, my boyfriend would say, “He’s only talking to you because you’re attractive.” Essentially saying that outside of my looks no one would have any reason to speak to me. Or he would get moody if someone (usually a guy friend) would ask me to hang out when he wasn’t around. Now, they weren’t asking me to hang out for any nefarious means, I was geuinely just bored and my boyfriend was out of town. So I would meet with them, get some food,  have polite conversation, and go home. Yet when my boyfriend would call to ask me about my evening and I relayed the day’s events to him, invariably he would get negative and say, “I find it odd that they asked you out when I wasn’t there, etc.” When in reality, the reason they rarely asked me to hang out when he was around, was because they were HIS friends – so when he was home, they’d invite BOTH of us out and essentially they just pitied me being alone when he was gone.

His unwarranted jealousy however, compromised not only our relationship but also his friendships with these people. I stopped seeing him as the man I wanted to spend all of my time with, and instead began to think of him as someone who saw me as “just someone worth talking to because I was pretty” or some sort of object. I began to feel slighted and judged, quite unfairly I might add. His friends, most of whom he had known his life, were upset that he apparently thought so little of their character. But no matter what, his attitude never changed. Until finally I had no choice but to leave him, and what came about was self-fulfilling prophecy. He so often treated me like I was going to leave him, that I finally got fed it and did.  Additionally, his friendships with those people were never quite the same again.

Jealousy ended up costing him so much, and in the end, even he admitted it that his jealousy wasn’t worth it.

I once had it explained to me like this, and I loved it: When you are jealous of someone, you are only expressing fear that you will never have it or are unworthy to get it. So instead, revel in what someone else has or has accomplished, because that means yours is right around the corner.

Jealousy in and of itself is not a bad thing. Jealousy left unchecked, however, can arouse fury and lead to destructive behavior. The problem with jealousy is that most of the time the jealousy is unfounded. It is simply our misrepresentation of the facts whereby we have taken an innocent situation and turned it into a crisis.

Jealousy in a relationship can be a stumbling block and can eventually erode away a close bond between spouses.

Whenever I have a male-friend whose girlfriend is unwarrantedly jealous of me, I just remove myself from the equation.  I learned that by staying in the foreground of their relationship, it makes them feel justified in their imaginary anger. The best (although difficult) course of action is to remove yourself from the situation entirely. Not because I’m particularly noble or have always felt compelled to take the high road; but simply because I’ve learned that their relationship isn’t going to last. Whether it takes them 2 weeks, 4 months, or 10 years…eventually they will grow tired of the confrontation and the senseless arguments. Their relationship won’t last.

The problem with staying in close-proximity and defending yourself to their partner (right or wrong) is that it just fuels their ire. By being proactive, and removing yourself, the jealous person may feel a minor victory – but your friend will have realized the finite consequences of being with such a person. It will cause them to rethink who they are with.

Once the demise of their relationship occurs, your friend will return. It’s ok to feel a little slighted, but let’s be mature about this, we all make stupid mistakes now and again and do ignorant things for love, whether we’re happy to admit it or not. The key is to not turn a stupid situation into an all out war.

Without fail this always happens and my friend have appreciated the distance they were given in such a difficult time.  Why? Because no adult wants to be treated like a child if they are intelligent and capable. No one wants to feel like they are under constant scrutiny and living in a prison, and no relationship can ever last under those conditions.

Now before I go getting emails from people demonstrating exceptions to the rule; let me be clear – there are always exceptions. If you’re dating someone and you have no ill will towards their friends, but their friends bring drama to you…you have two choices -

• Leave the relationship and avoid the drama
• Put them in their place and make it clear you’re there to stay.

Because at that point, it’s your partner’s responsibility to put their jealous friends in their place – and if they don’t or aren’t willing to do so; you need to ask yourself if that’s someone you really want to be with. Chances are, you deserve better. Heck, I’ll just go ahead and say it myself – you deserve better.

Every relationship requires mutual respect and trust. If someone doesn’t trust you, find out the reason. Maybe it’s something in their past that they need to work around and as long as it’s resonable, help them to do so. But don’t be fooled, just because someone has had a bad experience in their past, it doesn’t give them a license to behave poorly or treat you suspect either. In fact, if they’re still hung up on all the drama of a previous relationship, they probably don’t need to be in one with you now. Leave it and move on.

You deserve to be with someone that makes you happy, not someone who breeds a constant state of anxiety on your behalf.

“If everything is smooth sailing right from the beginning, we cannot become people of substance and character. By surmounting paining setbacks and obstacles, we can create a brilliant history of triumph that will shine forever. That is what makes life so exciting and enjoyable. In any field of endeavour, those who overcome hardships and grow as human beings are advancing towards success and victory in life.”
– Daisaku Ikeda

Life can be hard sometimes. It can be cold, cruel, and unjust. Hell, let’s just be honest – there are moments when a person’s existence can be just down-right unfair.

It’s in these moments when you have two real choices:

• Languish in depression and engage in a futile exercise of complaints
• Take a deep breath, assess the situation with some perspective, and strategize a game plan to get back on track

I think that everyone’s initial response to these situations is the former rather than the latter, at least to some degree. Because let’s face it, nothing is more frustrating than wanting something or imagining a situation only to have it turn around with the opposite (and unwanted) outcome. It invites a feeling of helplessness, since nothing is more disheartening than really aching for a result of some-kind, especially if you feel it is deserved, only to be met with resistance. It’s as if someone else is unfairly trying to thwart your efforts or at the very least they don’t have the faith in you, that you have in yourself.

Life has a funny way of shaping people; and people have a funny way of extracting different life lessons from similiar experiences.

Throughout my life I’ve met many different people, from all walks of life and from a wide-variety of backgrounds. And the more people I encountered, the more I realized how alike we all are. Once you get past the cultural differences (which becomes fairly easy to do with a little practice), it’s astonishing how almost everyone you meet is like someone you already know. It’s refreshing in a way, because no matter how far from home you get, we’re all still connected in some way.

You learn that all people really want is to be happy, whatever their definition of happiness may be. But more importantly, it may take them a while to figure it all out – and when all is said and done, they may still never get there. But the point is, unless you try, it’s never going to happen regardless. You have to commit to the time and effort it takes.

Everyone has problems. We all have trials and tribulations. A person can either choose to deal with them directly, and possibly face some hard times because of it (but ultimately grow and find happiness); or they can relent and accept the situation – growing a little bit more miserable and resentful all the while.

The things is, problems and less-than-ideal situations never go away. You will never wake up to find that they have magically disappeared. And no matter how deep you bury them in your heart or mind, they are still always there…lingering in the ether and manifesting themselves in subconscious or unconcious ways. It’s ignorant to think that if you ignore a problem it will go away. Every day, people foolishly keep silent and fail to voice their concerns, only to manifest neurotic behaviors because of it.

I’m here to tell you, it’s a fruitless exercise and does no one any favors. Ultimately, you hurt yourself more by not verbalizing what’s in your heart.

Now you may not initially have the confidence to articulate your feelings directly, hell, hardly anyone ever does…but the point is that you at least make the attempt.

Think about it, we’ve all been in situations (both on the receiving and giving end) where we’ve wanted to say something to someone, but we don’t know how. So we hem and haw a bit, we drop hints, we saying everything but what we want to say, because we’re hoping that person will guess or read our minds. So it becomes this exchange of: 

“What?”
“Nothing.”
“No, it’s something…tell me.”
“It’s nothing, really.”
“I can tell that something is on your mind, just tell me.”
“I’m serious, everything is ok.”
“Is it (insert something here) or (insert something there)?”
“No. It’s nothing.”
(cue frustration)
“I can tell that something is bothering you, what is it?”
“Well….”
“See! I knew it was something what?!”

You see, we all like to believe we’re better actors than we are. Or maybe we purposefully thinly veil things because we want to share them, we just don’t know where to begin. My point is, just say it. Even if the outcome isn’t what you were after, it will be out of your system. You will feel better for it.

And so what if you’re rejected? It’s not the end of the world, and even if it feels like it is, trust me – it isn’t.

Any change, even a change for the better, is always accompanied by drawbacks and discomforts. Why? Because you’re growing as a person, and it can make people uneasy to abandon past behaviors.

When someone comes to you with a problem or an issue, even if it’s not something you want to hear (especially if it’s something you don’t want to hear) always try and put yourself in the other person’s shoes. Listen to what they are saying. Truly listen. That means don’t wait for them to finish what they are saying, just so you can jump in and go on the defensive. Don’t make assumptions about their motivations. This isn’t a game of chess. Take the take to appreciate that what they are doing is as difficult for them to say as it may be for you to hear. If they respect you enough to bring concerns or feelings to your attention, you owe them a reciprocated level of understanding.

If you disagree, start a dialogue. Not an argument. 

Accept that you may be wrong or at fault in the situation. While you may not be entirely to blame for something, perhaps you played some role (however small) and there is no crime in admitting that fact. We all make mistakes, but if you insist on being right even when you’re not, if you become punitive and unforgiving, you have failed both the other person and yourself. When you shut down or prematurely end the exchange, recognize that you are jeopardizing your future relationship with this person. Even if it gets sorted out in the end, they will always be gun shy to do it again.

So if a conversation or a situation becomes overwhelming, simply say, “I need a moment. I hear you. I understand. I don’t have an answer right now, but I’d like to take some time to process what just happened and sort out how to properly respond or what to do. I heard you and your feelings matter to me.”

Sometimes people get pushy and will insist on immediate answers. You don’t owe them that, and if they refuse to listen, then they aren’t participating in their half of the dialogue. They are looking for an argument. Don’t engage. Nothing good will come of that.

You also need to accept that you may not get what you want. It’s frustrating, especially if you’re being sincere and you’ve exhausted every effort to get something or make a situation happen. Mourn the loss, reflect on why what happened happened, accept any share of the blame you may have (not more, not less) and move on.

Always remember that the future comes one day at a time, but you can do it. 

You are all stronger than you realize.

“Time heals what reason cannot”
- Seneca

When you sit and think about it, time is such an odd, permeating concept that dictates the course of our lives in so many ways. From that exact second we are born, some intangible stopwatch begins counting down the very last seconds we’ll have on this earth.

We have so many varied notions and definitions about time as well. So many turns of phrase that we utilize at appropriate moments to convey exactly what we mean, because the concept of “time” resonates with us all. Living on borrowed time, running out of time, need more time, bad timing, perfect timing, right on time, ran out of time…

I’ve long since recognized the undeniable fact of my own mortality. Of course, I still believe myself to be a super human that can accomplish any task I set my mind towards, but I now realize that I have a limited amount of time to do it in. I’ve been allotted the same amount of time as Mother Theresa, Louis Pasteur, Michelangelo, Kierkegaard (well I hope I get more time than Kierkegaard, but still…);  at the end of the day I only have a finite number of heartbeats in my body.

But I waste a lot of time as well, more so than I’d like to admit. We all do don’t we? For some it’s wasted on television, for others it’s thrown away to self-pity, and for some still, it’s measured in exhausted efforts on the wrong people.

I’m often being chastised by the people in my life for hardly having any free time. Work monopolizes my day-to-day and I end up involved in so many other extracurricular things, that I hardly have time to myself. Now this wasn’t always the case…

There was a time period in my life where I felt as if I were floundering. I was in a constant mixed-state of apathy and hopelessness. Despite my best intentions, nothing ever seemed to work out the way that I had planned. Strangely, it often still worked in my favor, but not always in the ways that I had wished.

I think we all experience that phase of recognition at some point in our lives.  It comes with the realization that you are not immortal. It’s an odd thing to have to process, and people reach the point at varied places on their own life journey.  I remember being a kid, and nothing was taken for granted, and life still had that new-car-smell of excitement and possibility.

 Then as ”life” started to materialize and take over things began to shift; and by “life” I mean the hardships, the struggles, the romantic liaisons prematurely ended, etc. The stuff that isn’t so great. When you’re a teenager, you take most of it in stride. The first real breakup is always pure devastation, no two ways about it; but the other stuff can be soldiered through with a fair amount of confidence. Children are resilient after all…

Even though as an adult I developed a rather solid grasp on the nuances of interpersonal relationships and laid the foundation for my future (university, career, etc); I still felt that there were other people out in the world with more of the guide-to-life than I had. Don’t we all get that way? We are constantly comparing and measuring ourselves up against other people; and 99.9% of the time it’s a wasted exercise. You’re better than the person you hold in such high regard. You’re probably worse than them too. The point is, it’s fruitless to compare; it’s best to spend that energy examining yourself and identifying your shortcomings and strengths.

Be the best you. It will be a lifelong exercise, and you may feel far behind the curve, but the sooner you start…the faster you’re going to see the results.

One of the biggest changes I had to make for myself, was learning how to step outside of my comfort zone. I think those of us who are willing to admit that our biggest obstacle to the life we want is ourselves, will have an easier grasp navigating the course. We are our own worst enemy, often when we don’t wish to be, and it’s never easy to grow up. Physically or emotionally. There are pains involved for certain. But the first step is wanting to make a change.

I work a lot, and I would never complain about that fact at all. I love my job. In fact, in many ways it’s my dream job, but it takes up a lot of my time. I don’t complain, but it does have a tendency to take its toll on my social life. I always used to explain away my inability to hangout rather defensively (i.e. “I’ve got an important career now, what do you expect?); but the more I’ve contemplated the issue, the more willing I am to recognize that it is a symptom of the less noble characteristic – laziness. There are times when I should be hanging out and being social, but I’m so tired from spending 8-10 hours a day handling everyone else’s affairs and problems (including my own) that I just don’t have the energy for it. And it becomes a cycle, the less I socialize, the more I work, the more I work, the less I want to socialize, etc… But after quite a bit if guilt-tripping from people in my life, I started to break away from my comfort zone and spend more time with my friends. As crazy as it sounds, it’s been wonderful.

That’s just one example…but we can all think of people who take the opposite route to their situation. You see, we all have our own personal stories. We all have our own issues and problems to contend with. Life hasn’t been easy on anyone. It really hasn’t. Even the happiest people have had something unpleasant happen to them; they just managed to find a quicker way back on the horse.

But what happens when people are a different kind of lazy? More self-centered. That’s when they fail to recognize their own need to grow and change. They have somehow become stagnate in their lives, keep going through their routines, and complaining that nothing ever works out or that their outcomes are never different. Instead of becoming productively introspective and finding the cause, they languish in apathy and despair. They leave one failed relationship only to immediately begin another. Or they never see anything to their full potential because they are consumed with a defeatist attitude. They want everyone to pity their existence and pain, and they beg and plead for a difference in their lives, but when it comes to brass tacks…they never want to do what it truly takes to see that success.

Wanting a change in your life, but not being fully committed to do whatever it takes to achieve it, is like wanting to reach the summit of a mountain but only bringing enough rope to get halfway up there.

Wasted exercise.

We all have people in our lives who are, as I like to refer to them, spiritual vampires of sorts. These are the type of people who drain you, mentally, physically, emotionally. They are needy and can never seemingly do anything (let alone make a healthy life decision) on their own. So they need you, and they remind this of this fact in overt and subtle ways. Constantly. They’re masters at guilt-tripping an empathetic heart, because everyone is a sucker for a sob story at least once.

Now I’m not referring to friends who are genuinely having a bad go of things or something out of the blue has shaken them off course; no, I’m talking about the people that when left to their own devices, make their lives worse….not better…at every turn. In fact they don’t ever want anything to be different for them, because when it does or there is a glimmer of hope that it might, they sabotage it. They need to feel sorry for themselves and more importantly, they need other people to feel sorry for them as well. Because as long as people are enabling that mindset, they don’t have to change. And as soon as one group gets tired of their antics, they’ll just move on to the next. We all know people like this.

I’m a bleeding heart, or at the very least, I used to be. I don’t know what it is about me, but it’s like people immediately start confessing all sorts of things at unsuspected times, usually when I first meet them. I used to think it was this way for everyone, that my interactions with people weren’t too terribly unique, but after a while I found out I was wrong. Sometimes I feel like there is an invisible sign around my neck that says, “Give me your poor, your tired, your huddled masses longing to be free, etc…” Because people are constantly bombarding me for answers to questions that I have no way of resolving.

It used to frustrate me, because I felt that if they were turning to me for advice, I shouldn’t leave them empty-handed. Then it took me a while to realize that people just want to be heard. They want someone to listen. And that’s fine, because people should listen and everyone should feel heard, but as individuals you need to set the boundaries for how much is enough.

People don’t realized how physically demanding it is to carry around other people’s burdens. It clutters up the mind and makes it hard to focus on your own life situations as well. I spent a lot of time feeling stretched too thin, and I undoubtedly missed out on a lot of great opportunities and people because I couldn’t give them the attention they warranted and more importantly, deserved. Why? Because the attention-seekers were monopolizing my time. Learning when to say “when” is crucial, and it’s something that not all of us can do very well.

A good friend of mine always tells me, “The most important thing you can give anyone is your time.” Granted, he’s usually reminding me of this after I’ve disappeared and hibernated away for weeks, without even saying so much as a hello, but his message is necessary to hear just the same. I’ve realized that I’ve gone from one extreme (listening to everyone) to the exact opposite (I don’t want to deal with anyone’s nonsense). Neither of which are too terribly healthy, nor do they represent who I fundamentally am. I guess I’m just learning how to navigate the waters.

At the end of the day, I don’t ever want to seem selfish or self-centered, because I’m not. They are incredibly immature traits for anyone to possess.

Remember this phrase: Vita brevis - It means “Life is short.”

After a long radio silence, I’d like to leave my latest update with these 5 life lessons that have come across my plate in the last month or so.

1. Try New Things – sure you may hate them afterwards, but if you go into life with an open mind, you may genuinely discover a new passion. At the very least, you have a new experience and story to tell. How can that ever be a bad thing?
2. Remove the Toxic People - we all know the ‘spiritual vampire’ people. Most of us have them in our lives. I’m not saying they are terrible people, they probably have some phenomenal trait which is why they’re in your life in the first place. Just think of it as a mental tally of Pros/Cons. If the energy they drain is more than they replenish – it’s time to minimalize the time you two share.
3. Give Reminders – I often find myself in situations with friends, and one of us is usually conplaining about something going on in our lives. That’s fine. It’s what friends are for, but sometime during the conversation make sure to point out how much you appreciate their time. Often we take things like this for granted, because it’s how friendships are supposed  to operate anyhow. Right? Just remember – anytime anyone chooses to share their time with you, it’s a gift they are giving. Be thankful for it.
4. Respect Yourself – Sometimes it’s hard for people to learn to put themselves first. It’s the trait of the Good Samaritan, which is never a bad thing, but you have to learn to use it wisely. If someone needs money, I will give them what I have. If someone needs food, I will give them what I have, etc. However, when someone takes advantage of your kindness, it doesn’t mean you have to stop showing it to them, it just means you need to bring it to their attention. I’ve learned that a lot of the times people do things that hurt my feelings, make me feel slighted, etc; their intentions were often positive and genuine – so they weren’t aware of the problem.
5. Focus on Intention – You’re far more clever than you give yourself credit for. The easiest way to avoid being used, is recognizing when someone is trying to do it and having the self-confidence to put a stop to it immediately.

With that being said, life has been crazy good lately. I’m almost too afraid to say that outloud for fear something will jinx it. Big things are coming shortly. So stay tuned.

“Consult not your fears but your hopes and dreams. Think not about your frustrations, but about your unfulfilled potential. Concern yourself not with what you tried and failed in, but with what is still possible for you to do.”
- Pope John XXIII

So here it is, my first entry of 2011. Another year. Fresh start. New Beginning. Clean slate.

I don’t know what is different in the atmosphere since 2011 has arrived, maybe it has something to do with the polar shifts, but whatever it is, everyone I speak to seems to feel reinvigorated with life. Almost everyone I talk to has started proactively trying to change their lives for the better. Not just offering transparent lip-service for change, but really matching their words and actions.

It’s easy to say, “This is going to be the year that….” but it’s something else entirely, to take the steps to make whatever “that” is, a reality. I’ve been so proud of my friends who are making healthy life changes. Not just those who are working out or choosing a better diet, but those who are taking the first steps into becoming more well-rounded human beings. Because it’s not easy, and anyone that tells you it is, is lying. But what it is however, is rewarding beyond measure.

At the end of the year I encouraged everyone to sit down and think about their situation – how their lives are versus how they would like them to be. Where did they want to be at the end of December 2012? What paths would you want to be headed down? What foundations would you want to start building?

I asked everyone to be realistic, but to aim high. Start small, with attainable goals.

The reason I think it’s imperative to start out with small, measurable goals/steps is that they allow you to immediately see progress. Because that’s what we all want, isn’t it? We are creatures of immediacy, and for most people, when they don’t see their efforts offering up immediate returns, they become disillusioned. Someone may want to lose 30 lbs, but after 2 weeks of working out with abandon, they get discouraged when only a loss of 2 pounds registers on the scale. The key is a change in your perspective. Your ultimate goal may be to lose 30 lbs, but by setting smaller, more measurable landmarks (like say losing 2 lbs in a week) it helps with keeping your head in the game.

This same perspective applies to our internal selves. Weight loss is the most common New Year’s Resolution, right? So in the same way that people develop unhealthy eating habits, we develop unhealthy life habits. Instead of overindulging in sugary foods, we may have our own issues with commitment. Much like the individuals who desire to be thin, but don’t want to spend the time working out; people often want their lives to be different, but they don’t want to alter their behavior to make those changes a reality. Why? Because it’s hard to develop new life habits; just as much (if not more) than it is to alter the way we eat.

Nothing is more paralyzing than trying to break free of your comfort zone, because the entire process is terrifying and often requires us to face less than desirable truths about ourselves. No one relishes the thought of having to examine the cold hard facts. Lay our negative qualities out bare on the table. No, we’re far more comfortable just burying them deep and hoping they’ll disappear. But they don’t. And they never will.

I’ve said a million times, that until you diagnose the root cause of a problem, you’re only going to be wasting your time fighting the symptoms. Think of an unhealthy habit like the flu. Cough, sore throat, runny nose, fatigue, etc. So you take a pill to alleviate the runny nose and cough. You take vitamins to fend off the fatigue…but all the while you’re still going outside without a coat. Seems ludicrous doesn’t it?

So why do people continue to do things and engage in behaviors that they know will not give them what they want? Why do people insist on engaging in behaviors that only provide short term gain, but ultimately hinder long-term happiness?

Take relationships for example…

The healthiest thing a person can do is to sit down and outline the type of relationship that they want. The type of person they want be involved with. What would their qualities be? Imagine what that person would be like. Don’t get stuck on superficial qualities (ie. tall, dark hair, handsome), but instead focus on things that are important to you and will ultimately be imperative to a happy relationship. Think back on all of your “failed” relationships and the things that went wrong in the past. The mistakes they made, and your own shortcomings.

Create the vision of the perfect relationship. Imagine that you’re already in it. What are you doing? What are they like? How do you interact? What dreams and aspirations do they have?

If you’re in a relationship now, measure your “dream” relationship against who you’re currently involved with. Do they share those same values? If you imagine yourself having a family with this person, is it because they will make attractive babies or because this person will be a healthy parental figure. Is the relationship responsibility shared? Are you both held accountable for the happiness or is one person always making more of an effort? More importantly, are you always making the most effort, pushing the relationship along? Or, real talk, are you the one always coasting along with as little effort required (or sporadic effort when called for)?

Relationships aren’t like a manual transmission. If you’re pushing it along in hopes that it’s going to magically kickstart itself into operation, it’s an exercise in futility. It takes two committed people to make it work. It’s ok to need someone to prop you up in the low moments, but if every moment is a low moment…you need to rethink your stance on who you’re with.

Relationships only work as partnerships. True 50/50 agreements. And the nature of these contracts may vary from couple to couple, but the breakdown should always be the same. You are two separate, fully formed people that make healthy life choices, and you come together for a common goal.
You’re not trying to “fix” someone and you’re not needing to be “fixed.”

And if you’ve done the homework and you’re not happy with where you are. NOW is the time to address the issue. Not tomorrow, not when things calm down, but start the reflection now. Build a game plan.

Every problem has a solution. Always remember that. It may not be an easy answer. It may require planning, preparation, and forethought…but no road is ever a true dead end. You always have options.

The trick is arriving at the point in your life where you can see your options and examine the choices before you in a mature and beneficial way. Your focus can be on anything, it doesn’t have to be limited to a relationship. Maybe you want to improve your career, your social life, etc.

This year, my goal for everyone is to start valuing who you are. Become the best version of YOU that is possible. Don’t try and mimic someone else or obtain their life. Develop yourself into the best possible YOU.

When you’re in the midst of this change and feel overwhelmed, concentrate on how far you have come, rather than how far you have left to go. Focus on yourself and bettering your situation, even if only by tiny increments. Take it one day at a time, but make the changes. Run before you walk…but be ready for a marathon come 2012.

A better tomorrow, starts today….

“Any time you sincerely want to make a change, the first thing you must do is to raise your standards. When people ask me what really changed my life eight years ago, I tell them that absolutely the most important thing was changing what I demanded of myself. I wrote down all the things I would no longer accept in my life, all the things I would no longer tolerate, and all the things that I aspired to becoming.”
-Anthony Robbins

As I’ve grown older, my view and outlook on relationships has continued to evolve and develop. The process has most definitely changed me and consequently my perception of the world around me. I’ve learned to pay more attention to details and trust my gut, and to stop naively believing everyone had my best intentions at heart. And to be honest, not dating has really opened my eyes tenfold to the songs and dances that people put on to convince others to take a chance on them.  Sometimes I wonder if they’re trying to convince a potential partner as much as themselves, and I’m not even sure if they have the answer to that.

I have become to relationships what Jane Goodall is to anthropology; an expert not by trade as much as first-hand experience and trial by fire.

Don’t get me wrong, I am as hopeless a romantic as they come. I still place a lot of faith in fairytales and hold firm to my belief that The Little Prince is the greatest love story ever told. I don’t ever want to have to forfeit my belief in white knights and happily ever afters, despite reality’s on-going attempts to show me otherwise. I know it’s out there. I know these relationships exist. Because for all of the millions of relationships that end in misery and failure, there is always one that is pure bliss. You’ve seen them. The two 80 year olds who are just as in love as they were when they were teenagers. The kind of relationship that exemplifies love; and it’s not always done by conventional means and it’s not always smooth sailing – but when two people partner up with a genuine, deep-seated love for one another…there is nothing the world can throw at them that they cannot conquer. They will weather any storm. They will climb any mountain that  should arise in their path. And most importantly, they will wage the fiercest of wars to any battle that needs to be won…or go down fighting side by side.

As I’ve grown older I see the mistakes people make in attempting their quests for happiness. People have their own personal reasonings for the approach, but the end results are always the same. Until you recognize what’s broke you can’t fix it. And the failure often comes from within.

In almost every religion throughout the world, there are devotees who seek to understand God (and themselves) better. They’ve traveled the normal path and still yearn to know more. So they sequester themselves off, far away from the outside world and its distractions. They sacrifice quite a bit of themselves, in order to garner a more true understanding of their place in the world. For most of us, we can admire such action from afar but it’s never something we’d choose to willingly attempt ourselves. I find that I am closest to whatever Higher Power there is, when I am loved and loving.

Of course we want such clarity and understanding to come to us, but let’s face it…we want it to land in our laps. We want to have an intuitive understanding about ourselves and others without putting in the time and effort to gain the knowledge ourselves. Or worse, we learn just a fragment and try and expand that and blanket-define everyone else with that same judgement.

Perhaps you have one bad experience with someone, and you suddenly begin to evaluate every person you meet against the person who broke your heart or did you wrong. While that may be a somewhat fair attempt at self-protection, it’s not fair  to the new person at all. You are immediately failing to see them for who they are. You are inevitably going to miss things – their fine qualities, their faults, their potential…because you’ve already made a decision about who they are capable of being. They have already been set up to fail. You’re not going to be bringing out their best qualities or raise them up to their potential, because you are already defining who they are.

And let’s not forget that person with whom you had a bad experience with. Have you ever simply considered that they were not right for you? It didn’t work out, because you weren’t meant to be together. Either not at all, or simply not at that life’s juncture. I know I’ve dated people in my past, and as much as I tried to make it work, invariably it turned into a disaster. Naturally I would assume they should do the courteous thing to humankind and remove themselves from the gene pool, and yet, somewhere down the line they met someone else and had a relationship that fulfilled their every need. I’ve experienced both sides of that fence, and I slowly began to learn that by vilifying these people I wasn’t doing anyone any favors. It prevented me from accepting my own responsibility in the failure and it kept me from seeing what attributes of the relationship were the detrimental ones. It was just easier to blame the other person and loathe them for not living up to my expectations, than take a hard look at where and why it didn’t work. It took effort to see why they weren’t right for me or why I wasn’t right for them. If the fault doesn’t lie with us, it often resides in our behavior just the same. So the next time a red flag was raised, I paid better attention and didn’t stick with a relationship that was headed down a negative path. Saved everyone the time and trouble.

When you know better. You do better.

So how do you find the right person? There’s no right answer . If I knew the proper response to that million dollar question, I’d know almost everything I wanted to in this life. The fact of the matter is, it takes time and a lot of self-analysis. You don’t need to go the extreme route of a sabbatical away from dating (although it works), but you need to learn to raise your standards and expectations. Both of yourself and other people. And most importantly, and the hardest task for me personally I must admit, is learning to accept that everyone is on their own separate journey. They may not behave in the manner you wish, they may not do what you want them to do, or feel the way you feel. All this means, is that they’re not right for you, but they are worth learning from.

You have to learn to be sincere.

That bit of advice is always more difficult that people expect it to be. You have to learn to stop indulging in relationship politics. And a ‘relationship’ can encompass a great many things. Don’t tell people just what they want to hear. Don’t used car salesman yourself by trying to make out to be more together than you really are. Say what you mean and mean what you say. Speak your mind. Be candid. People love knowing where they stand with you.

Praise loudly and chastise softly.

Don’t sell yourself short either. You are capable of anything you set your mind to. Stop expecting failure and start expecting amazing things to happen. That way, when failure does happen, it’s only a momentary set-back. It just means something better is coming along, and the universe was just trying to make sure you weren’t preoccupied with something else of less quality when it does occur.

If you’re in a relationship, be in that relationship, don’t try and multi-task. If someone is in a relationship, let them be. This is the biggest red flag that people seemingly choose to ignore, only to regret it down the line later on. And I know it can be hard to have that level of self-control when you meet someone that you really want to be with. But there is really only one way to look at it: if someone wants to be with you, you should respect yourself enough to make them do it right – and if you want to be with someone, you should respect them enough to do it right as well.

When you’re with someone who makes you happy and you feel fulfilled, you lose the roving eye. You don’t have one foot out the door ‘just in case‘ and you’re not looking for your next conquest. Hell, you’re not even receptive to the attention when it comes your way. It’s more of a “Thanks but no thanks” approach. That’s how it should be, and when it ceases to be that way…that’s when the relationship needs to end. You’ve stopped being committed and that’s when people start getting hurt. The right thing to do is acknowledge you don’t want to be with this person anymore, and it may be terribly difficult to do. But sometimes doing what is right isn’t easy. It often never is.

A long time ago my friend told me that “However a relationship begins, is inevitably how it will end.”

This is a good framework to keep in mind when “cheating” comes into play. If someone is capable of cheating with you, they are capable of cheating on you. The trust is immediately gone before the relationship has even had a chance to begin.

Now, I’m not saying that the person you are with is your soulmate and that you should stay together forever. Because I’m not. I mean it’d be perfect if we were all single and looking when our perfect person came wandering by, but that’s not always how it works. All I’m saying is that the mature thing to do, if you genuinely think something special has crossed your path, is to set things straight in order to give it a go. If you’re not willing to end your current relationship, then you aren’t ready to pursue the next one. If you like someone, and they aren’t willing to give you 100% of their time and devotion, find someone else who will. They are out there.

It also always amazes me that the only fairytale that some people to remember is Goldilocks and The Three Bears. These are the people that date or sleep with anyone that crosses their path in the hopes of finding the “right” one. While I can understand the pedestrian logic of this approach, I can honestly say I have never seen any instance where it works out to someone’s benefit. Essentially you are just using people, and no one likes to be used. I’m not even sure people like the idea of having to use other people either. Certainly not healthy well-adjusted people.

To be honest, most of the dating advice that I get is from my guy friends who tell me who not to date. I’ve learned that there are about a handful of men in my life that never steer me wrong, under any circumstances. They are hardly ever wrong and boy are they vocal about it as well! They are all happily married and know all the ‘tricks of the trade’ as it were. So when I come to them with relationship advice, they are always quite frank and upfront with their advice, even if it’s what I don’t want to hear or believe. Which is why I do the same with this blog sometimes. I know it has helped me out quite a lot. Pass on the knowledge.

The minute you start making allowances for other people’s behavior that you would not engage in yourself (or would not want someone to do to you), you are settling. You are giving up. You are accepting less than the best, and opening the door for someone to treat you not as well as you deserve. You are making it OK for them to disrespect you. And when you behave in a manner that slights another person, you are letting yourself down as well.

I’ve always maintained that finding happiness is all a matter of being willing to work for it and nurture its growth. Vows are important for a reason. Promises are paramount. You are pledging to someone who you are, and a person is only as good as their word.

RevRun doled out some amazing advice once, “When people show you their true colors, don’t try and paint a different picture.”

Learn to be more discerning and you’ll find yourself far more satisfied.